MDA to consider becoming marketing agency

The soon to be known as, Marketing Dud-films Agency

25 Jun, Singapore - Following yet another resoundingly successful publicity campaign in making otherwise obscure, unknown literature, films and other forms of media critical of the gahmen strikingly famous and sell out, the MDA (Media Development Authority) is reportedly considering, as part of Singapore's push to make government bodies more like private sector corporations (and pay their ministers like private sector CEOs, of course), privatizing and rebranding itself as a marketing agency called the Marketing Dud-films Agency and listing on the SGX.

Its latest success in making some comic criticizing the gahmen nobody else would have ever read or heard of, coupled with interest in Jolin Tsai's otherwise bland sounding techno song you wouldn't be able to differentiate blasting at a kopitiam (as covered by this reputable publication), and the banning of a film that made young Singaporeans find out about exiles they wouldn't have otherwise heard about, has convinced decision-makers in the gahmen that the rebranding and privatization will be a runaway success.

The business model of the new agency is expected to be from earning revenues by charging commissions and royalties from bookshops and cinemas that Singaporeans often flock to get their fix of banned media in Johor Baru.  An unnamed source was also quoted as saying that Barbara Streisand is in the running to be on the board of directors to contribute her marketing and publicity expertise.  

Government exploring possibility of listing on stock exchange

28 May - The successful listing of public infrastructure and services delivery giant SMRT (Sekarang Mampos Really Teruk) with no drop in service standards, as it continues to dominate its core industries in shopping malls, wireless communications (WIFI), and retains its highly-valued social media presence, valued by some accountant at $888 million because he is pantang, and its minor, most unimportant job of running the train network, has made the government consider the possibility of listing itself on the stock exchange.

It is expected the benefits of listing the government on the stock exchange will be that minister salaries will finally be pegged to the private sector after they took a giant pay cut to join the public service when they could have been getting much more in the private sector, and will allow the government, like SMRT, to concentrate on its core business of developing and delivering essential policies such as banning lesbian themed music videos.

It is believe streamlining their operations and possibly outsourcing routine work like fixing opposition politicians and rude teenagers will also give them "organizational synergies", whatever that means.

It is expected the juicy, underwriting job of listing the government will go to a reputable firm with at least $1 in their share capital like Alamak Investor Mampos (AIM).

Singapore aims to put satire pages out of business

24 May, Singapore - Satire pages, long the ire of the Singapore government with the conservative and tightly controlled state media, may be a thing of the past with the latest innovation by the Singapore government.

The strategy involves creating videos and propaganda so bad that even satire writers are choking on their lattes,  stumped on how to make fun of them, and collectively deciding to close their websites to rethink their relevance and strategy in a dynamic business environment.

It is believed writers at credible and respected sites like this one, and New Nation, will have to get real jobs now, and Singapore is thinking of patenting this strategy and selling it to the United States so they can get rid of annoying sites like The Onion (USA) and Waterford Whispers News (Ireland), making this Singapore's latest innovation and technology export that will feature at National Day Parades.

Examples of some of these videos:

SME boss laments lack of talent and labour in Singapore market, threatens to shut down

23 May - In Singapore's well-educated and tight labour market, you would expect that a fresh graduate would love the opportunity to be mentored by 37 year old Mr. Da Lao Ban, who runs a Tan Ah Kow Workshop, a family business that does something to do with wood and stuff in Tuas, and has worked for his father's business all his life after graduating from a straight track Southern Pacific University degree course after his N Levels.

Mr Da Lao Ban, however, says that is not the case. Shaking his head, he says, "Nowadays, strawberry generation Gen Y workers are not as hungry for success and willing to learn from experts in the industry as me. They want to sit in a comfortable office like I do, and don't want to work in a workshop for a pittance."

"We obviously want to recruit straight A students due to our reputation. Even though we have a worldwide, international diverse staff of 4, which means we are a MNC, a fresh graduate would rather join the government and ask for $3,000 a month when a foreigner and people 10 years ago would ask for $1,200 a month for a senior position! How to pay for my Mercedes E-Class installments like that?!"

Mr. Da Lao Ban adds that promotion prospects have never been better and that youngsters need to be more ambitious. "Last time, you worked all your life in the same position. Now, we promote you to the position of Regional Director (covering the Western region of Singapore) if your performance is good. Of course, we also raise your pay by $50 a month. That is very good already. But of course, when my 16 year old son graduates, he will be your boss."

Mr Da Lao Ban adds that the challenges include foreign labour being tightened, meaning that Miguel from his staff will have to retire in the Philippines in his mansion and he will need to be replaced. Mr Da Lao Ban says that if he shuts down, the economy will feel the effects.

New startup generates ideas for slow news days

23 May - Singapore's bid to become a startup hub seems to be succeeding, as yet another enterprising, young graduate who can't find a regular job because $2500 a month is too much to pay a graduate, has launched his SlowNewsDays App, which caters to tabloids such as the Straits Times and Channel News Asia. 

The startup has also managed to attract credible, well-respected news outlets such as The Real Singapore, The New Paper, and Wanbao; it is believed The Online Citizen and The Independent Singapore are potential customers, but have indicated they are too hippy and "independent" to subscribe to this service (read: cheapskate and saving their money for when they get sued).

Startup founder, Johnny Sibeisianzhaobudaogongzhuo Tan, explains the business model. "Using an algorithm, my app trawls reputable news sources like the HardwareZone Forum and generates ideas for media outlets on slow news days, looking for the next offensive comment on social media, or a reckless driver cutting some guy with a camera in his car off, or just generally anything that people would have gone and told somebody off about 10 years ago in the face but rather take a video and post on social media now.

It is expected that the app makes up about 80% of their real news (with the other 20% being the advertisements and obituaries).

Gym catering to lowly office clerks to open, SMRT likely to bid

22 May, Singapore - Following Fitness First's announcement that it is intending to open an exclusive gym in the Singapore CBD targeted at C-suite and senior executives in the CBD with astronomical fees who, as quoted, "do not want to be down there in the gym with a lowly clerk".

The lowly clerks and proletariat are fighting back, and Mr. Gay Gim Man, a fitness buff who is a lowly clerk, wants to set up a a gym with cheap fees in the neighborhood specially for lowly clerks who "do not want to be down there in the gym with a fat, balding executive who thinks his shit doesn't stink and whose laughter is as fake as my tan".

It is believed that even though the lowly clerks won't be able to afford hefty fees as they have already spent their $1500 monthly salary on protein shakes, there is still significant interest from business buyers in the probably loss-making venture, as long as the pamphlets are shiny. It is believed SMRT, who is looking for their next venture that is totally related to running a train company, is interested; Temasek Holdings is also rumored to be keen to add to their portfolio, with their unique strategy of buying high and selling low.

It is also believed Fitness First is looking for a PR company to handle what is an impending PR disaster, and might be searching for any suitable firms to ease the concerns of the peasants. Except the PR firm who advises the Singaporean government and their Ministers.

Residents of Punggol Regalia BTO flats strikes gold after their incredible discovery

RESIDENTS of Punggol Regalia have previously taken to the Internet to complain about mushrooms sprouting from the wooden doors in their new BTO flat. According to a post in their private Facebook group, the "Regalians" (as they called themselves) had also sent an official complain to HDB for clarifications.

However, the fiasco took an unexpected turn. One Regalian, Mr Seah Teng Huat, took a sample of the growth to his work laboratory and made a shocking discovery after a test was conducted on his species. The mushrooms growing out of his doors were scientifically known as Ganoderma lucidum, commonly known as Lingzhi. 

Still trembling with excitement with his discovery, Mr Seah told Condemn Nation News that the total growth rate of his productive doors can yield about 8 kg of Lingzhi per month.

"I have checked the market rate with a few interested buyers. They are offering me about $90/kg for them!" Mr Seah quipped.

His monthly harvest will approximately yield him about $720 a month on current market prices.

Upon Mr Seah's golden discovery, the Regalians' Facebook group suddenly came alive with countless discussions about their prized produce. They planned to pool their resources and market their Lingzhi under the Royal Regalian Lingzhi branding. One resident even came out with a design with Mr Seah's portrait under the brand logo and was voted the winning entry among other nominated designs.

"We hope this revolutionary movement will inspire more Singaporeans to consider agricultural options under their own roofs," said Mr Seah.

Singaporeans can expect to find the Royal Regalian Lingzhi on the shelves just in time for the coming Chinese New Year.

Sungei Kadut pimps jailed, received BCA award

ENTERPRISING Sungei Kadut pimps who made news recently by using pockets along a railway corridor as their prostitution base were hit with a unexpected reversal of fortune last Saturday.

The CEO of the prostitution syndicate, Mr Oor Gwee Kong was investigated by the police after a tip off by an anonymous jogger named Bao Toh Kia, which resulted in Oor being charged and sentenced to 3 months in prison. 

However this did not stop them from being nominated for several categories in the annual Building & Construction Authority (BCA) awards, including the Creative Use of Office Space Award which Mr Oor eventually won.

BCA's spokeman told Condemn Nation News that while BCA does not condone illegal businesses, recognizing excellence has no boundaries. "This is meritocracy. Mr Oor was imprisoned for his crimes but he should be rightly awarded for his achievements as well," he said.

Mr Oor and his syndicate inmates eventually received their awards in prison.

Meanwhile, the Urban Redevelopment Authority (URA) has expressed interest in hiring Mr Oor and his team as their planning consultant after they served their term. In their statement posted on URA Facebook page last Saturday regarding this, "URA is proud to be a supporter of the Yellow Ribbon Project. At the same time, we also recognise talent and we will go all out to pay top dollars if we come across suitable talent to take our organisation to greater heights. Thus our decision (to hire Mr Oor) is the perfect marriage of our core values."

New startup offers streamlined crowdfunding service for opposition politicians, activists

18 May, Singapore - Young, entrepreneurial Singaporeans with a heart have done it again with the latest innovation in technology poised to fully utilize the Singapore government's efforts to encourage start ups by capitalizing on the General Election, which is expected to be held later in 2015 or early 2016.

FundMee&Yee, founded by two students from their NUS dorm room, 24 year old Pok Kai Loh and Ngerng Tng Kor (no relation to the other more famous Ngerng),  aims to streamline the process of crowdfunding for opposition politicians and social activists alike who will most likely have to go through the crowdfunding process when they get sued or fired from their jobs for misuse of company property etc.

The startup also aims to add value by managing media interviews and the rights of these people, who will go from previous unknowns to enjoying their 5 minutes of fame on both state controlled media and social media.

It is hoped that with the aid of FundMee&Yee, potential defendants are able to manage their public appearances to potentially secure a cult-following the way Serina Wee and Amos Yee has captured the hearts of lao tikos and fashionistas respectively.

The owners are tight lipped about their potential customers, but it is believed they are in negotiations with Amos Yee over the management of his media rights. Or we could have been trolled by Amos Yee.

Just to make you happy, here is an unrelated photos of Serina Wee:

Hawkers upmarket themselves to adapt to changing demands

Singapore, 15 May - Amid increasing rents, low prices, long hours and strawberry generation workers who don't want to take a 12 hour a day job paying $1200 a month when they can go to university and get a 8 hour a day job with the civil service paying $4000 a month to surf Facebook and write blogs, hawkers are reinventing themselves as the face, and the cuisine of Singapore changes and morphs together with the cosmopolitan demographic make-up of the city.

Latest ideas by hawkers are to give their food French names and charge higher prices to fit the local, connoisseur market of increasingly demanding and educated Singaporeans who want to know what is in their food. Chicken rice stall seller, Kway Peng, recently paid $10,000 to a consultant to rebrand his stall. He now calls his stall "Alley Chicks" and strategically places a one-speed classic hipster bicycle at the storefront. His main dish is the "Boiled organic chicken with natural cucumber and cous cous with braised soy sauce and sauteed kale and organic Thailand sourced rice".

"Oh my gawd," self-professed food fanatic, Jin Sua Ku, cooed as she sipped from her Starbucks cup. "the meat is succulent and tender, and the natural cucumber just adds the right touch to the sweetness of the rice - all for only $16.80!"

On the other end of the scale, some hawkers are targeting Angmoh tourists by deliberately dirtying their stalls and setting deliberately low hygiene standards to give Angmoh tourists a unique, exotic taste of Asia, serving them dishes like pork intestine soup which they think are really gross but were actually eaten by their poorer European ancestors back in the 1800s.

"I just love Asia, you know? Its an experience we'll never get back home! I love Asian culture!" Miss Jessica Tourista from the UK said. "When I get back to the UK, I'll tell everybody about how I integrated with the Asian culture because I had one mouthful of soup from a dirty roadside stall! What's this place called? Yeah, Marina Bay Sands food court."

John Bogan, from Australia, agrees. "Yeah mate, nothing's as good as tasting the original street food even though I eat at Asian restaurants in Australia all the time. Where are the Singapore noodles?"

Successful young entrepreneur starts business from nothing except a $500,000 loan from his father

Singapore, 14 May - He may be baby-faced, but make no mistake, Mr. Ah Sia Kia is not your average Singaporean 20 year old young man fresh out of army. He is representative of a new breed of young entrepreneurs who are courageous enough to forego a university education and a stable income to strike it out on his own as an entrepreneur, starting with nothing but a $500,000 loan from his father and a humble Mercedes SLK as a company car. 

"I work hard for every cent, and I worked my way up," Mr. Ah Sia Kia explains. "Doing business is not easy. People only see the glamorous side of being your own boss, but don't realise how hard work it is to get money from your father, and the amount of times my ass gets pinched by old aunties. I'm from a humble family, we only stay in a landed property in Bukit Timah and have about five sports cars, and every cent counts." 

With his entrepreneurial spirit, following his ORD from army as a 9-5 clerk, Mr. Ah Sia Kia daringly ventured into a new, unknown business of setting up a cafe selling "organic, high quality coffee" in a retro style cafe which makes about $100,000 in turnover every month (with about $200,000 in expenses). 

"I think business is not for everyone. Only if you have the entrepreneurial spirit, otherwise, stay in a 9-5 job," Mr Ah added. 

Singapore's start-up infrastructure for pseudo-news outlets sets it apart: analysts

Singapore, May 14 - Trolling, sharing the same news that your other 600 friends on Facebook are sharing, and posting intellectual posts supporting a cause is driving a new wave of startups in Singapore, and Indonesia and Malaysia are closing the gap with a growing number of social media sites that think they are really funny but only really have a following of 10 people (the parents of the author, and the relatives who got forced into following the page) including this one.

Singapore is developing an encouraging environment for entrepreneurs who have nothing better to do but spend their time on social media like SMRT Feedback, New Nation and this site, by offering free chalet stays and complimentary coffee if the authors exercise any critical thinking and criticize the government.

Analysts expect this industry will be worth $20 million a year in lost costs to porn sites as frustrated young men read and share these articles instead of downloading JAV videos. However, government officials are optimistic, and expect that there will be a multiplier effect from the GDP and resources that are spent on getting police and public servants to catch these people and refute their claims through standard templates to the Straits Times or by setting up credible websites like Fabrications about the PAP, and of course, arresting them and threatening them with lawyer letters.