Man says yes to everything, walks down Tanjong Pagar MRT and ends up with 22 insurance policies and 30 credit cards

23 Jun, Singapore - After watching a rerun of the 2008 Jim Carrey movie "Yes Man", 27 year old hipster Cordeliusamos Tan, a full-time hipster, decided to change the world and say Yes to everything. "The world needs more love," he said. "I thought, why not be different even though some guy thought of it 7 years ago? I might change my life by saying yes."

Cordeliusamos is richer for the experience, especially after a 2 hour jaunt down to Tanjong Pagar MRT to meet some other hipster for some new shitty idea / project they have. After saying yes to everyone who approached him, he now has 22 insurance policies, 30 credit cards, bought about 10 pens where 10% goes to charity, and has been headhunted by 4 MLM firms who promise to make him the next big thing.

As for his new project? "Dunno, who needs a new project now when you have 30 fucking credit cards?"

Uncle Tan to write cookbook on how to get the perfect "Dad Bod"

28 May - With the latest fashionable body the "Dad Bod", and claims that girls like pot-bellied men more because of various reasons like how they make them feel less insecure about their own bodies, and they make them feel safe and cared for (no, really), men like 46 year old Uncle Tan are rejoicing.

"Last time, people make fun of me cannot drive bus because belly too big cannot reach sterling wheel," Uncle Tan said. "Now, see who laugh louder! I'm going to quit my bus driver job and write a cook book!"

Uncle Tan has been inspired to share his secrets to a great Dad Bod, and is currently writing his cookbook, which he expects to call "I'm too sexy for my shirt". His mistress, Hu Li Jing, is very impressed. "His body is very the sexy wor!"

For this publication, he has given us one of his secret recipes for a light afternoon snack that should get you your desired Dad Bod within weeks.

6 bottles Anchor beer (Tiger also can)
3 bags of peanuts  
1 plate of Char Kway Teow / Cai Tao Kuay
1 plate of Orh Luak
1 bucket of KFC crispy chicken, 24 piece
6 mugs of Guinness Stout
Instructions: Long zhong sa ga liao. Bo tah bo lam pa!!!!! 

NParks: Waterway bench's design was well intended

The Nasty Parks Board (NParks) made clarifications on Tuesday regarding public queries about oddly design bench along Punggol Waterway, after issuing a statement to Condemn Nation News on Monday that said, "In response to recent queries about the functionality of the said bench, NParks assures the public that the bench was multi-million award winning design by Japanese renowned architect Fuckyo Shingapora. The decision to use Fuckyo's design was reached after an intensive consultation last year with about 2 members of the public."

The bench under recent scrutiny was given a lively name, "Sore wa anata no bōru o hogo shimasu" (translated: It will protect your balls) with key functionalities in mind such as preventing the homeless from sleeping on it, discouraging lovers from making out, park users hogging to bench too long lest it builds up a queue and catering for the elderly who have been demanding for rear massage features in neighbourhood parks.

"Misinformed members of the public have to judge for themselves. We have fulfilled every deliverable without wasting a single cent of public funding. NParks is extremely proud of "Sore wa anata no bōru o hogo shimasu" and is currently assessing the possibility of replacing benches in every park in Singapore, taking advantage of a huge bulk discount offered by our supplier."

Ministry to introduce courses on social communication

22 May - There has generally been an acceptance that Singaporeans lack the communication and leadership skills of their foreign counterparts, which has led to many Singaporeans not wanting professional jobs. This is looking to be a thing of the past, as the latest idea by a scholar who has about 2 friends (who are also scholars) is to introduce a course on communication in the workplace that will be fully funded by the government in a bid to make Singaporeans more competitive with their more outspoken counterparts.

It is believed topics range from, "How to pretend to give a shit what your colleague is doing over the weekend", "When to pretend you like the same soccer team as your boss", and "How to pretend you are really interested in what your colleague's kid did at school" among others. Most popular, however, is "How to tell your Angmoh colleagues you love baguette from Delifrance, and how much you know about their European country because you went there once on a guided tour, even though they are from a small country town 5000km from that city".

It is believed this will have benefits for the existing underemployed graduates in having good relationships with their foreign national superiors, since Singaporeans don't want to work in management positions either.

Singaporeans who turned up at Free Amos event left enraged

2000 Singaporeans turned up at the "Free Amos" event held at Hong Lim Park last Monday ended up red faced.

The event was held by supporters of Amos Yee urging the authorities to free Amos Yee in remand but had been misunderstood by about 2000 Singaporeans who turn up to queue for free Famous Amos cookies.

One attendee, Chin Gian Peng called up CN, "I am absolutely pissed off with this trickery by Amos Yee's supporters. I hope they will shove a cookie up his arse in jail!"

The organisers of the event was initially encouraged by a healthy turn out only to realise the blip when the crowd demanded for cookies. The Police was eventually called in to mediate the ugly spat between Amos Yee supporters and the freebies hunters.

PM Lee to release source code for detecting HDB defects

Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's generous sharing of his Sudoku solver source code received a thunderous worldwide acclamation. 

A Russian tourist, Adkat Bolaski told CN, "I wish my Prime Minister is so smart and refined like Mr Lee. Our PM is only interested in puttin' bears down."

Meanwhile PM Lee's inspirational feat continues to send a wind of change over the Sudoku community. 

"I used to struggle to finish a puzzle within a bus ride," Sudoku addict, Li Bo Nao revealed. "With PM's solver, I can solve 5 puzzles before my bus reaches my destination. I really enjoy filling up the pages with the solutions provided by PM's genius," she beamed with pride.

A statement was released by the PMO at noon about Prime Minister Lee's current exciting project - a source code for detecting HDB defects to combat the exponential increase of cases in recent years. The most recent defect reported was the bursting of a sewerage pipe of a new BTO HDB flat, causing the owners to leave home for a few days. (pictured left)

"This revolutionary source code will serve Singaporeans to an unprecedented level. A team of experts will be roped in to assist the Prime Minister for timely completion with our SG50 celebrations this year," conclude the statement.

New department to be created to answer unaccredited degree queries

Singapore, 15 May - Following a Minister's completely and totally logical explanation that unaccredited degrees are okay as candidates for employment should still be judged on their previous work experience and whether they thought it was a genuine bona-fide degree when they attended the university consisting of a small room in a shophouse in Chinatown, interest in unaccredited degrees has risen dramatically.

Being a public service that is responsive to the needs of citizens, a new department to deal with queries on unaccredited degrees has been set up and it will be called the UDC (Unaccredited Degree Centre). It is believed the centre will be staffed by moderators previously made redundant when Ministers blocked all the people who were commenting on their Facebook pages, and there were no more comments to delete.

A task force will also be set up to investigate the viability of a national unaccredited school. "Since the government is promoting degree mills, we should at least have control of the standards of degrees, especially the paper they are printed on." said a government spokesperson. It is believed the degree mill will be set up in an industrial area near the airport or the immigration department to integrate operations and achieve operational efficiencies. "We have big hopes for these degree centres, as they will probably overtake SIM and Australian universities in prestige in Singapore in no time, and will spur people to get better work experience as they are more strictly evaluated on their work experience if they have an unaccredited degree."

Singaporean Filipino accents suggests warming of ties

Singapore, May 15 - Xenophobic Singaporeans from all walks of life are no longer being lectured by Ministers to reflect on themselves after what is seen as a warming of ties between the Philippines and Singapore.

This is due to a huge spike in young Singaporeans who have gone overseas from between 3 days to 3 years to a Western country and have returned with Filipino accents. It is believed this is an attempt by enterprising Singaporeans to kill two birds with one stone, by having a posh Western accent which ends up sounding Filipino, and by making our Filipino guests and residents alike feel at home in Singapore.

Ms. Kentang Jean Baguette said, "You know, I can't help having an Australian accent since I studied there on exchange for 6 months, so its understandable if Singaporeans don't understand me anymore."

Mr. Jin Wu Lui, whose son, Pai Ka Zhai, studied in Australia, was more critical. "I send this asshole overseas to study and tell everyone about it, but this guy comes back without an accent. How to compete in the workforce like that?" Mr Jin expects to have to dip into his CPF savings to send his son for another stint in Australia to brush up on his accent.

Lee Tong Zhi was curious. "I wonder why people don't come back with China accented English after spending time in China."

Work-life balance and personal fulfillment in the public service

May 14, Singapore - In Singapore's hectic pace of life, work-life balance is a misnomer and something that is considered unachievable unless one takes a pay-cut. To ask for job satisfaction and personal fufillment, might be asking too much. But is it really?

Our reporter spoke to Mr. Hentak Kaki, who is a regular in the armed forces, who thinks otherwise. "I have had such personal job fufillment with the armed forces as a regular," he said. "Obviously, I could be earning more outside even though I only have PSLE, but I am living my childhood dream of being paid to sit in the mess and drink beer, and order NSFs around."

"Obviously, the work-life balance is great, because we don't do much work aside from ordering NSFs around and get them to do the work while we take the credit," he added. "Singaporeans always complain that they have no job satisfaction or work-life balance. That's because they don't know where to look. I even have time to work out, look at my arms and how huge they are from all the balls I've been carrying."

The armed forces have been carrying on a recruitment blitz in recent times, featuring sweet young things to entice Singaporeans daft enough to sign on based on the assumption that you will have a chance with the chiobu even though there are like another 800 people in the camp staring at her every move. It is likely that this strategy is targeted at daft people who would like a stellar career path like Mr Hentak Kaki in having to salute and call someone young enough to be your son, "Sir" instead of being a scholar, which everyone thinks is not as cool even though they get promoted every year whether they fuck up or not.

Workers' Party keen to recruit Neo Gim Huah

Workers' Party's Secretary General Mr Low Thia Khiang revealed that he was keen to recruit Mr Neo Gim Huah as his "marquee signing" as the General Election (GE) looms.

Mr Low told the press on Friday evening that he was impressed the pace and force of Mr Neo's forehand demonstrated during his infamous slap on teenage Amos Yee which got his jailed for 3 weeks.

"I believe we should give ex-convicts a chance," explained Mr Low when he was asked if Mr Neo will tanish the Workers' Party's standing as a serious opposition to the government. "Mr Neo's talent will boost the Workers' Party's capabilities of keeping the Government in check."

Married men announce their bona fide extramarital affairs

Singapore, 18 May – Normally conservative Singapore has seen a surge in married local men admitting publicly on their social media pages that they patronize the red houses of Geylang and Desker Road, in what was previously a taboo.

This, after it was noted that there was no question of integrity as long as the parties genuinely think there is a bona fide relationship, and the difference between an extramarital affair and just having sex was clearly explained in a diagram, which is also called an infographic. 

"We are just having sex," Lao Tiko said as he walked to the red house in Geylang to choose his favourite girl from the fish tank, No. 18. "People need to know the difference between an extramarital affair, which involves feelings, and just having sex because my wife is having her period and is tired after a long day of work. It doesn't reflect on my integrity when I proposed to my wife, it was based on the salary I earned and the car I drove, and whether we could get a HDB in a prime location or not."

Lao Tiko’s wife of 10 years, Sha Tian Zhen, is supportive. “When Lao Tiko proposed, I disregarded the fact that he was having sex with chickens every week as it was not relevant and I assessed him based on a more stringent criteria for his salary and brand of car that he drove. For example, if he hadn’t been fucking around, a $5k monthly salary and Toyota Vios would do, but now that he is, I require a $8k salary and a Volkswagen Golf at least.” 

Marriage counselor Lao Zha Bor added that spouses have a primary responsibility to ensure the faithfulness and salary of their partners. 

- PCB