Mediacorp to install railings for aging Jeanette Aw

STAGE crew officials of Mediacorp have today confirmed that railings will be installed on future Star Awards show to guarantee the repeat of Jeanette Aw's accident during Star Awards 2015 will be prevented.

Stage manager Humpty Ou told Condemn Nation News that the initiative was designed especially for Jeanette Aw, who won the Most Popular Artiste Ever Award among the string of awards last month.

"We are expecting Jeanette to walk away with awards again in the coming year. Therefore, 2.4km of hand-railings will be installed in time for the next award show."

Humpty confirmed that the specially designed handrails, which cost Mediacorp close to $2.3million, have already been ordered from The Golden Age, the most popular elder-care company in Singapore.

Mediacorp told CN that the money will be well spent because it ensures that our aging national treasure will be protected from further harm.

Singaporeans who turned up at Free Amos event left enraged

2000 Singaporeans turned up at the "Free Amos" event held at Hong Lim Park last Monday ended up red faced.

The event was held by supporters of Amos Yee urging the authorities to free Amos Yee in remand but had been misunderstood by about 2000 Singaporeans who turn up to queue for free Famous Amos cookies.

One attendee, Chin Gian Peng called up CN, "I am absolutely pissed off with this trickery by Amos Yee's supporters. I hope they will shove a cookie up his arse in jail!"

The organisers of the event was initially encouraged by a healthy turn out only to realise the blip when the crowd demanded for cookies. The Police was eventually called in to mediate the ugly spat between Amos Yee supporters and the freebies hunters.

Minister Amy Khor urged Singaporeans to pursue new careers at 50, promised exciting upgrades to jobs

Security jobs too mundane, cleaning jobs to unglamorous? Fear not! Many PIG careers" will go through incredible changes in the coming year.

In an career fair held at the Singapore Expo today, the Senior Minister of State for Manpower and Health Dr Amy Khor has called for elderly Singaporeans to embark on a new career at 50 years old because “it is common to see seniors living past 80 years old”

Dr Amy Khor promised exciting new changes to our current limited selection of jobs by launching a new programme called Pioneer Innovation Genre (PIG) Dr Khor explained, "Before we launched this initiative, we spent $2 million dollars and conducted an intensive survey to find out how we can bring the silver haired generation back to the workforce."

"A survey was carried out with one representative from common sunset careers such as security guard, taxi driver, cleaner, big sweep ticket vendor etc. We managed to arrive a a meaningful conclusion to our survey and strive to hit the hammer right on the nail. It was money well spent," beamed Dr Khor.

Security guard Mr Chin Suan Siao was one of the interviewees in the survey. Mr Chin shared with CN, "Eh, I told the chiobu that day uncle jin sian lah. Everyday carry walkie talkie jin bo seh. If they can give me gun better lah!"

The PIG committee will look closely into the feedback of the representative members of various sunset careers and make the necessary improvements. Citizens can expect the new initiative to be launched by 2016.

Singapore will not accept refugees, refers them to ICA instead

16 May, Singapore -

The Online Citizen, the next paper to get fixed, reports that the Ministry of Home Affairs (MHA) has expressed its stance on the Rohingya "boat people" issue that Singapore will not be accepting refugees or people seeking political asylum.

"As a small country with limited land, Singapore is not in a position to accept any persons seeking political asylum or refugee status, regardless of their ethnicity or place of origin,"said an MHA spokesperson, in response to queries from local news channel, Channel NewsAsia.

- The Online Citizen, 16 May. 

Our immigration analyst and expert on everything because he is from an Angmoh country, Mr. Peter Angmohman, encourages the refugees to get unaccredited degrees from Southern Pacific University before trying again, and applying to the ICA and IDA instead as they will be evaluated on their previous experience and not their political asylum or refugee status.

"There are actually many options for them but it seems they have received very bad legal advice," Angmohman said. "In fact, there is probably a road show going to their home town next month to try to recruit university students for scholarships because we all know young Singaporeans have no interest in going to university. If they had waited another month they would have been at freshman orientation games motorboating some young girls rather than trying to come here on a boat."

Singapore lifts restrictions on political participation

Singapore, 16 May - In what is being seen as a step by the government of previously politically conservative Singapore to loosening the reins by freeing up political participation and encouraging critical thinking and alternative opinions since the death of founding father Lee Kuan Yew, Singapore has not prosecuted any social activists or people with an opposing view for "misusing resources to pursue personal and non-job-related interests" in recent months.

Analysts say this could be because most of the people have already been fired or sued, and those who haven't are already overseas, Additionally, spokesman Zhou Gou notes that praising the government or joining the PAP youth wing, or foreigners working in the government who blog and criticize Singaporeans and praise the PAP, is technically not considered misusing resources to pursue personal and non-job related interests.

Zhou Gou also notes that alleged defamation is incompatible with values of the government even though the court has not made a ruling, because being alleged is like, as serious as actually being proven to having done it.

The next general election is widely expected to be held later this year in 2015, or early in 2016. Most opposition politicians are already expecting a defamation suit or some charges of misusing government property etc, unfortunately, the ruling party has had to be creative in recent years because most of the opposition politicians or vocal bloggers with an opposing view have either already been fired or not been stupid enough to work for the government in the first place.

Hawkers upmarket themselves to adapt to changing demands

Singapore, 15 May - Amid increasing rents, low prices, long hours and strawberry generation workers who don't want to take a 12 hour a day job paying $1200 a month when they can go to university and get a 8 hour a day job with the civil service paying $4000 a month to surf Facebook and write blogs, hawkers are reinventing themselves as the face, and the cuisine of Singapore changes and morphs together with the cosmopolitan demographic make-up of the city.

Latest ideas by hawkers are to give their food French names and charge higher prices to fit the local, connoisseur market of increasingly demanding and educated Singaporeans who want to know what is in their food. Chicken rice stall seller, Kway Peng, recently paid $10,000 to a consultant to rebrand his stall. He now calls his stall "Alley Chicks" and strategically places a one-speed classic hipster bicycle at the storefront. His main dish is the "Boiled organic chicken with natural cucumber and cous cous with braised soy sauce and sauteed kale and organic Thailand sourced rice".

"Oh my gawd," self-professed food fanatic, Jin Sua Ku, cooed as she sipped from her Starbucks cup. "the meat is succulent and tender, and the natural cucumber just adds the right touch to the sweetness of the rice - all for only $16.80!"

On the other end of the scale, some hawkers are targeting Angmoh tourists by deliberately dirtying their stalls and setting deliberately low hygiene standards to give Angmoh tourists a unique, exotic taste of Asia, serving them dishes like pork intestine soup which they think are really gross but were actually eaten by their poorer European ancestors back in the 1800s.

"I just love Asia, you know? Its an experience we'll never get back home! I love Asian culture!" Miss Jessica Tourista from the UK said. "When I get back to the UK, I'll tell everybody about how I integrated with the Asian culture because I had one mouthful of soup from a dirty roadside stall! What's this place called? Yeah, Marina Bay Sands food court."

John Bogan, from Australia, agrees. "Yeah mate, nothing's as good as tasting the original street food even though I eat at Asian restaurants in Australia all the time. Where are the Singapore noodles?"

PM Lee to release source code for detecting HDB defects

Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's generous sharing of his Sudoku solver source code received a thunderous worldwide acclamation. 

A Russian tourist, Adkat Bolaski told CN, "I wish my Prime Minister is so smart and refined like Mr Lee. Our PM is only interested in puttin' bears down."

Meanwhile PM Lee's inspirational feat continues to send a wind of change over the Sudoku community. 

"I used to struggle to finish a puzzle within a bus ride," Sudoku addict, Li Bo Nao revealed. "With PM's solver, I can solve 5 puzzles before my bus reaches my destination. I really enjoy filling up the pages with the solutions provided by PM's genius," she beamed with pride.

A statement was released by the PMO at noon about Prime Minister Lee's current exciting project - a source code for detecting HDB defects to combat the exponential increase of cases in recent years. The most recent defect reported was the bursting of a sewerage pipe of a new BTO HDB flat, causing the owners to leave home for a few days. (pictured left)

"This revolutionary source code will serve Singaporeans to an unprecedented level. A team of experts will be roped in to assist the Prime Minister for timely completion with our SG50 celebrations this year," conclude the statement.

PM Lee's Sudoku's source code riled gaming enthusiasts

Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's sharing of his Sudoku solver source code has caused unhappiness among the members of the Minesweeper Youth Club, Singapore (MYCS). Last Thursday, club President, Mr Teo Bong Park released an open letter to criticise PM Lee's "open support" for their rivals at the Singapore Sudoku Society (SSS)

"I had high regards for PM Lee until that," said Mr Teo in an interview. "However, an open endorsement of our key competitor is the last straw. This is war!" he declared.

Before PM Lee's source code release, MYCS and SSS were neck to neck in the gaming market capacity, at 49.5% each. The last 1% is held by the Diablo2.SG. Last week MYCS's market capacity dived by a whopping 17.5% within just 5 days of PM Lee's online sharing, with defectors declaring that it is now "cooler to play Sudoku."

"We are extremely disappointed with PM Lee. This is going to turn ugly soon." warned a dejected member of the MYCS.

At press time, the Prime Minister's Office (PMO) was unable to comment on the possibility of PM Lee producing a source code for a Minesweeper solver to simmer the high tension between the MYCS and SSS.

New department to be created to answer unaccredited degree queries

Singapore, 15 May - Following a Minister's completely and totally logical explanation that unaccredited degrees are okay as candidates for employment should still be judged on their previous work experience and whether they thought it was a genuine bona-fide degree when they attended the university consisting of a small room in a shophouse in Chinatown, interest in unaccredited degrees has risen dramatically.

Being a public service that is responsive to the needs of citizens, a new department to deal with queries on unaccredited degrees has been set up and it will be called the UDC (Unaccredited Degree Centre). It is believed the centre will be staffed by moderators previously made redundant when Ministers blocked all the people who were commenting on their Facebook pages, and there were no more comments to delete.

A task force will also be set up to investigate the viability of a national unaccredited school. "Since the government is promoting degree mills, we should at least have control of the standards of degrees, especially the paper they are printed on." said a government spokesperson. It is believed the degree mill will be set up in an industrial area near the airport or the immigration department to integrate operations and achieve operational efficiencies. "We have big hopes for these degree centres, as they will probably overtake SIM and Australian universities in prestige in Singapore in no time, and will spur people to get better work experience as they are more strictly evaluated on their work experience if they have an unaccredited degree."

Rosy outlook for fresh grads: Starting pay up to $10,000 a month

Singapore, May 15 - The outlook for graduates in Singapore could never be stronger, says the Edukesyen Ministry. Of a graduating cohort of about 20,000 from unsubstantiated figures, the ever-reliable news can report that at least one graduate managed to get a starting salary of $10,000 working in an investment bank where his father happened to be the president.

The roaring success of the cohort means the Edukesyen Ministry is doing well to create opportunities for graduates, says graduate Ba Ba Black Sheep. "Because of these statistics, even though I have been unable to find a job for 6 months since graduation, I am extremely encouraged that there is a bouyant job market."

This obviously means that if you aren't one of them, it is your own fault and every one who graduates should expect to be blindingly successful so your parents have topics to talk about every Chinese New Year.

However, the popular HardwareZone forum still reports a spike in posts every Chinese New Year, believed to be by people hiding in their rooms from their nosy relatives trying to ask about how well they are doing compared to their kids.

Singaporean Filipino accents suggests warming of ties

Singapore, May 15 - Xenophobic Singaporeans from all walks of life are no longer being lectured by Ministers to reflect on themselves after what is seen as a warming of ties between the Philippines and Singapore.

This is due to a huge spike in young Singaporeans who have gone overseas from between 3 days to 3 years to a Western country and have returned with Filipino accents. It is believed this is an attempt by enterprising Singaporeans to kill two birds with one stone, by having a posh Western accent which ends up sounding Filipino, and by making our Filipino guests and residents alike feel at home in Singapore.

Ms. Kentang Jean Baguette said, "You know, I can't help having an Australian accent since I studied there on exchange for 6 months, so its understandable if Singaporeans don't understand me anymore."

Mr. Jin Wu Lui, whose son, Pai Ka Zhai, studied in Australia, was more critical. "I send this asshole overseas to study and tell everyone about it, but this guy comes back without an accent. How to compete in the workforce like that?" Mr Jin expects to have to dip into his CPF savings to send his son for another stint in Australia to brush up on his accent.

Lee Tong Zhi was curious. "I wonder why people don't come back with China accented English after spending time in China."

Toto's problem? Not enough tickets are bought.

Singapore, 15 May - Following a Minister's eloquent and comprehensively researched and well thought out recommendation that football's problem in Singapore, was that not enough kids were playing it, gamblers around Singapore are picking up the analogy and wisdom imparted by the Minister. 

Ai Pua Kiao, 53, said, "The problem with why I didn't strike Toto despite buying for the last 30 years, is because not enough tickets were bought. I believe if I widen the ticket pipeline and buy more numbers, there is a higher chance of producing quality results during the draw." 

Minister for Wealth, Cai Shen Ye, agrees, and repeated what Ai Pua Kiao just said by paraphrasing. "I believe if you widen the ticket pipeline and buy more numbers, there is a higher chance of producing quality results."

A task force, led by Mr. Yan Fei, will study the problem and be based at the offices of an undisclosed Clementi hawker centre. It is expected this task force will consist of industry experts, including Mr. Jia Taxi, Ms. Huang Lian Po, and will table its recommendations on the development of a strategy on the numbers to pick. 

Successful young entrepreneur starts business from nothing except a $500,000 loan from his father

Singapore, 14 May - He may be baby-faced, but make no mistake, Mr. Ah Sia Kia is not your average Singaporean 20 year old young man fresh out of army. He is representative of a new breed of young entrepreneurs who are courageous enough to forego a university education and a stable income to strike it out on his own as an entrepreneur, starting with nothing but a $500,000 loan from his father and a humble Mercedes SLK as a company car. 

"I work hard for every cent, and I worked my way up," Mr. Ah Sia Kia explains. "Doing business is not easy. People only see the glamorous side of being your own boss, but don't realise how hard work it is to get money from your father, and the amount of times my ass gets pinched by old aunties. I'm from a humble family, we only stay in a landed property in Bukit Timah and have about five sports cars, and every cent counts." 

With his entrepreneurial spirit, following his ORD from army as a 9-5 clerk, Mr. Ah Sia Kia daringly ventured into a new, unknown business of setting up a cafe selling "organic, high quality coffee" in a retro style cafe which makes about $100,000 in turnover every month (with about $200,000 in expenses). 

"I think business is not for everyone. Only if you have the entrepreneurial spirit, otherwise, stay in a 9-5 job," Mr Ah added. 

Work-life balance and personal fulfillment in the public service

May 14, Singapore - In Singapore's hectic pace of life, work-life balance is a misnomer and something that is considered unachievable unless one takes a pay-cut. To ask for job satisfaction and personal fufillment, might be asking too much. But is it really?

Our reporter spoke to Mr. Hentak Kaki, who is a regular in the armed forces, who thinks otherwise. "I have had such personal job fufillment with the armed forces as a regular," he said. "Obviously, I could be earning more outside even though I only have PSLE, but I am living my childhood dream of being paid to sit in the mess and drink beer, and order NSFs around."

"Obviously, the work-life balance is great, because we don't do much work aside from ordering NSFs around and get them to do the work while we take the credit," he added. "Singaporeans always complain that they have no job satisfaction or work-life balance. That's because they don't know where to look. I even have time to work out, look at my arms and how huge they are from all the balls I've been carrying."

The armed forces have been carrying on a recruitment blitz in recent times, featuring sweet young things to entice Singaporeans daft enough to sign on based on the assumption that you will have a chance with the chiobu even though there are like another 800 people in the camp staring at her every move. It is likely that this strategy is targeted at daft people who would like a stellar career path like Mr Hentak Kaki in having to salute and call someone young enough to be your son, "Sir" instead of being a scholar, which everyone thinks is not as cool even though they get promoted every year whether they fuck up or not.

Singapore's start-up infrastructure for pseudo-news outlets sets it apart: analysts

Singapore, May 14 - Trolling, sharing the same news that your other 600 friends on Facebook are sharing, and posting intellectual posts supporting a cause is driving a new wave of startups in Singapore, and Indonesia and Malaysia are closing the gap with a growing number of social media sites that think they are really funny but only really have a following of 10 people (the parents of the author, and the relatives who got forced into following the page) including this one.

Singapore is developing an encouraging environment for entrepreneurs who have nothing better to do but spend their time on social media like SMRT Feedback, New Nation and this site, by offering free chalet stays and complimentary coffee if the authors exercise any critical thinking and criticize the government.

Analysts expect this industry will be worth $20 million a year in lost costs to porn sites as frustrated young men read and share these articles instead of downloading JAV videos. However, government officials are optimistic, and expect that there will be a multiplier effect from the GDP and resources that are spent on getting police and public servants to catch these people and refute their claims through standard templates to the Straits Times or by setting up credible websites like Fabrications about the PAP, and of course, arresting them and threatening them with lawyer letters.

Workers' Party keen to recruit Neo Gim Huah

Workers' Party's Secretary General Mr Low Thia Khiang revealed that he was keen to recruit Mr Neo Gim Huah as his "marquee signing" as the General Election (GE) looms.

Mr Low told the press on Friday evening that he was impressed the pace and force of Mr Neo's forehand demonstrated during his infamous slap on teenage Amos Yee which got his jailed for 3 weeks.

"I believe we should give ex-convicts a chance," explained Mr Low when he was asked if Mr Neo will tanish the Workers' Party's standing as a serious opposition to the government. "Mr Neo's talent will boost the Workers' Party's capabilities of keeping the Government in check."

Opinion: Flat White, or Latte?

Today, we have the pleasure of featuring someone who is at the cutting edge of what it means to exist in society. Yes, a hipster. Just like our editor, Hipstan. They are bros-in-arms. Yes, bro. Bro. Bro. Hipstan enjoys talking to John because they have common topics, like, being a social activist, and socially activisting and talking about the social activities that social activists do.

Since he has so many ideas (and keeps cutting me off whenever I speak anyway) lets get straight to the point and let the man do his talking - introducing, Mr. Jansten Aldrouss-Moh.

"Others need to accept people who are different"

Good evening ladies and gentlemen;

Some of you might have questioned my name; I'd wish to say my name was given to me because of my mixed parentage, but my name is actually Moh See Yong and I came up with this name myself because it sounded more hipster.

Yes, I'm proud to be a hipster. I'm a photography and media studies graduate, and I do freelancing (i.e. nothing); its great, it doesn't limit me to a typical 9-5 job that others in my cohort have to drag themselves through (just that I don't get paid a salary because I have no job).

I think people need to have dreams and not constrain themselves to what society expects of them, to get a job, support yourself, fund your lifestyle, etc you know? Its amazing, how from my MacBook I can support so many social causes and show the world I care.

One minute, I'm telling people how they should support the cause for poverty in some undeveloped country by clicking 'Like' and typing a really long essay, and the next minute I'm reading about the top 10 restaurants in San Francisco (San Frans, as its' called) and pretending I've been there before, which is useful when I have conversations with other hipsters. 

I think people need to accept others who choose to be different; I choose to be a rebel, and different, living off my parents' CPF savings instead of getting a job, and I hope that by writing really long essays on Facebook and posting artsy, zoomed in pictures of my lattes and desserts that I have at various hipster cafes I will change the world. Somehow.

Breaking News: Man wins race to traffic lights

10 May, Singapore - Scenes of victory have erupted at the traffic junction of Ang Mo Kio Ave 5 and Ang Mo Kio Central (near Ang Mo Kio MRT) as Mr. Beng Chia has successfully defeated yet another 70 year old grandmother in her Toyota Yaris to the traffic lights, making this only the third time he was won anything in his life besides beating the last 70 year old grandmother in her Proton Myvi to the traffic lights, and successfully cheating the finance company that the $3000 in commission he got the whole year was his monthly commission so he could get a car loan

Mr. Beng Chia's victory in his Mitsibushi Lancer, which is nearing the end of its COE soon, is a memorable moment in history for motorsport for the every day man, and he vows to keep up the good work, annoying every one driving at the speed limit on the left lane, and complaining that people road-hog when there are like 30 fucking cars in front of you in a traffic jam and you won't give way to the guy behind you anyway.

Mr. Daniel G'day Mate, of Australia, had volumes of praise for his Singaporean counterpart. "Y'know mate, here in Australia, even though every mothers' son can afford a car, it takes a special kinda guy to, y'know, buy a souped up Holden or 4WD using my welfare benefits, and, y'know, beat those evil old ladies in their Toyotas driving at 60kph, y'know? I feel my Singaporean brothas, even though if he waz here drivin' a better car than me I'd be yellin' at him for takin' my jobs even though all I do is stay home all day and sniff ice."

- Routers

Married men announce their bona fide extramarital affairs

Singapore, 18 May – Normally conservative Singapore has seen a surge in married local men admitting publicly on their social media pages that they patronize the red houses of Geylang and Desker Road, in what was previously a taboo.

This, after it was noted that there was no question of integrity as long as the parties genuinely think there is a bona fide relationship, and the difference between an extramarital affair and just having sex was clearly explained in a diagram, which is also called an infographic. 

"We are just having sex," Lao Tiko said as he walked to the red house in Geylang to choose his favourite girl from the fish tank, No. 18. "People need to know the difference between an extramarital affair, which involves feelings, and just having sex because my wife is having her period and is tired after a long day of work. It doesn't reflect on my integrity when I proposed to my wife, it was based on the salary I earned and the car I drove, and whether we could get a HDB in a prime location or not."

Lao Tiko’s wife of 10 years, Sha Tian Zhen, is supportive. “When Lao Tiko proposed, I disregarded the fact that he was having sex with chickens every week as it was not relevant and I assessed him based on a more stringent criteria for his salary and brand of car that he drove. For example, if he hadn’t been fucking around, a $5k monthly salary and Toyota Vios would do, but now that he is, I require a $8k salary and a Volkswagen Golf at least.” 

Marriage counselor Lao Zha Bor added that spouses have a primary responsibility to ensure the faithfulness and salary of their partners. 

- PCB