Weekend Review: The next gadget you can't afford:2015 Toyota Vios

Weekend, 23 May - As you pause and put your legs up for the weekend (yeah right, while you check your email and receive calls from your boss, that is), Condemn Nation brings to you our weekly column, reviewing all things materialistic and fancy that you probably can't afford and can only dream of.

This week, we review every Singaporean's wet dream; the latest Toyota Vios, which is priced at an affordable $124,888 (which is only about 35 times the average Singaporean's monthly salary). Our motoring correspondent, Hips Tan, was lucky enough to take a drive in the luxury car this weekend. 

The car is surprisingly nimble and smooth in getting you off the mark, and actually has a steering wheel, a gear box, and an engine, which will get you from 0-100km/h faster than the MRT or the bus will. The 1.5A auto Elegance is, like its name says, Elegant; the design is so elegant that driving past the MRT station makes heads turn. 

The legroom and space is roomier than its closest alternative and competitor, the MRT and bus, and the detail in the smell of the seats is improved as compared to the smell of armpits in the train and the bus. The prestige is obvious, as the roomy boot allows you to pack in your gym gear as you head to your C-suite gym.

It is believed Vin Diesel will be using this luxury car in his next Fast and Furious movie, racing against a Porsche which costs about the same price in the US. 

New startup generates ideas for slow news days

23 May - Singapore's bid to become a startup hub seems to be succeeding, as yet another enterprising, young graduate who can't find a regular job because $2500 a month is too much to pay a graduate, has launched his SlowNewsDays App, which caters to tabloids such as the Straits Times and Channel News Asia. 

The startup has also managed to attract credible, well-respected news outlets such as The Real Singapore, The New Paper, and Wanbao; it is believed The Online Citizen and The Independent Singapore are potential customers, but have indicated they are too hippy and "independent" to subscribe to this service (read: cheapskate and saving their money for when they get sued).

Startup founder, Johnny Sibeisianzhaobudaogongzhuo Tan, explains the business model. "Using an algorithm, my app trawls reputable news sources like the HardwareZone Forum and generates ideas for media outlets on slow news days, looking for the next offensive comment on social media, or a reckless driver cutting some guy with a camera in his car off, or just generally anything that people would have gone and told somebody off about 10 years ago in the face but rather take a video and post on social media now.

It is expected that the app makes up about 80% of their real news (with the other 20% being the advertisements and obituaries).

Ministry to introduce courses on social communication

22 May - There has generally been an acceptance that Singaporeans lack the communication and leadership skills of their foreign counterparts, which has led to many Singaporeans not wanting professional jobs. This is looking to be a thing of the past, as the latest idea by a scholar who has about 2 friends (who are also scholars) is to introduce a course on communication in the workplace that will be fully funded by the government in a bid to make Singaporeans more competitive with their more outspoken counterparts.

It is believed topics range from, "How to pretend to give a shit what your colleague is doing over the weekend", "When to pretend you like the same soccer team as your boss", and "How to pretend you are really interested in what your colleague's kid did at school" among others. Most popular, however, is "How to tell your Angmoh colleagues you love baguette from Delifrance, and how much you know about their European country because you went there once on a guided tour, even though they are from a small country town 5000km from that city".

It is believed this will have benefits for the existing underemployed graduates in having good relationships with their foreign national superiors, since Singaporeans don't want to work in management positions either.

Success stories today: Mr. Porno Sakkuporn

22 May, Bangkok - Thai advertisements are renown for either being very touching:

Or very funny:

Even Namwee, kind of the Malaysian and more talented version of Roy Ngerng, sang an entire song about a Thai girl.

So, to the shock and horror of fellow Thai countrymen and bored office workers and students all over the world who rely on Thai ads and the 3 Thai words we know for a source of entertainment, Mr. Porno Sakkuporn, an advertising executive, couldn't live up to the expectations and created a Thai ad that was neither funny nor touching.

He was outcast by his friends and felt like a social misfit, he says. Even his foreigner friends gave him dirty looks, and didn't believe him when he told them Thai people don't eat tom yum soup everyday; he felt he had lost credibility.

However, Mr. Porno picked himself up and is now studying for a degree in the prestigious Southern Pacific University, and will be invited by the Singaporean government to fill a professional position that Singaporeans don't want to fill. "I belieeve, that, Singapore is great country!"

Gym catering to lowly office clerks to open, SMRT likely to bid

22 May, Singapore - Following Fitness First's announcement that it is intending to open an exclusive gym in the Singapore CBD targeted at C-suite and senior executives in the CBD with astronomical fees who, as quoted, "do not want to be down there in the gym with a lowly clerk".

The lowly clerks and proletariat are fighting back, and Mr. Gay Gim Man, a fitness buff who is a lowly clerk, wants to set up a a gym with cheap fees in the neighborhood specially for lowly clerks who "do not want to be down there in the gym with a fat, balding executive who thinks his shit doesn't stink and whose laughter is as fake as my tan".

It is believed that even though the lowly clerks won't be able to afford hefty fees as they have already spent their $1500 monthly salary on protein shakes, there is still significant interest from business buyers in the probably loss-making venture, as long as the pamphlets are shiny. It is believed SMRT, who is looking for their next venture that is totally related to running a train company, is interested; Temasek Holdings is also rumored to be keen to add to their portfolio, with their unique strategy of buying high and selling low.

It is also believed Fitness First is looking for a PR company to handle what is an impending PR disaster, and might be searching for any suitable firms to ease the concerns of the peasants. Except the PR firm who advises the Singaporean government and their Ministers.

Overseas Singaporean students returning to Singapore to pay GST for tuition fees

MANY parents are sending their children overseas for studies. But be aware of such arrangements could be subject to Goods and Service Tax (GST) once your children get home.

Singapore customs has issued an advisory to remind overseas Singaporean students that GST exemption is only up to a certain value. If you stay out of Singapore for more than 8 hours, you will be exempt from GST for your total tuition fees for the financial year up to $2,000.

Overseas students have to pay GST only on the value of the goods that exceeds the GST relief. For example, if your tuition fees is $12,000 for the financial year, you will need to pay GST for $10,000 worth of services expenditure. At 7 per cent, that comes up to $700.

Please be reminded that you will have to produce invoices or receipts of your tuition fees to help calculate tax payable. You can pay taxes at the Singapore Customs' Tax Payment Office or at the self-service Tax Payment Kiosk at the check points. Offenders caught not complying could be charged and faces a fine up to $5,000, sentence up to 3 years in prison or both.

Tan Jee Say disbands SFP to form Singapore Orgy Party

Former Presidential Candidate Tan Jee Say had a political change of heart today when he announced a collaboration between his recently formed Singapore First Party (SF) and the Singaporean Swingers Sex Party (SSSP). The two organisations are forming a coalition called the the Singapore Orgy Party (SOP) in an attempt to collectively maximum the number of constituencies they can put up a challenge in the next General Election, widely touted to take place late this year.

"I'm proud to unveil this partnership today," Mr Tan declared, "it finally combines the libertarian polices of the SSSP and our intent to give Singaporeans plenty of choices where it comes to opposition parties."

Mr Tan insisted the disparity between the two parties would not be a hindrance to his campaign, "Yes, there are a lot of differences," he admitted, "the SSSP's main vision is pushing for sexual freedoms. On the other hand, one of our mission statements in Singapore First Party is to liberate Singaporeans from GST. So we are able to find a common factor that both parties value. This is exactly the diversity that Singaporeans need at the moment."

Mr Tan waved away the notion that Singapore is too small to have so many political parties and such an environment will serve to dilute opposing votes against the incumbent. "Well, it is not that we do not believe in the benefits of a larger coalition," he clarified, "we had tried inviting Low Thia Khiang and Chee Soon Juan as well as their party members but none of them are wise enough to work together for the benefit of opposition voters."

Residents of Punggol Regalia BTO flats strikes gold after their incredible discovery

RESIDENTS of Punggol Regalia have previously taken to the Internet to complain about mushrooms sprouting from the wooden doors in their new BTO flat. According to a post in their private Facebook group, the "Regalians" (as they called themselves) had also sent an official complain to HDB for clarifications.

However, the fiasco took an unexpected turn. One Regalian, Mr Seah Teng Huat, took a sample of the growth to his work laboratory and made a shocking discovery after a test was conducted on his species. The mushrooms growing out of his doors were scientifically known as Ganoderma lucidum, commonly known as Lingzhi. 

Still trembling with excitement with his discovery, Mr Seah told Condemn Nation News that the total growth rate of his productive doors can yield about 8 kg of Lingzhi per month.

"I have checked the market rate with a few interested buyers. They are offering me about $90/kg for them!" Mr Seah quipped.

His monthly harvest will approximately yield him about $720 a month on current market prices.

Upon Mr Seah's golden discovery, the Regalians' Facebook group suddenly came alive with countless discussions about their prized produce. They planned to pool their resources and market their Lingzhi under the Royal Regalian Lingzhi branding. One resident even came out with a design with Mr Seah's portrait under the brand logo and was voted the winning entry among other nominated designs.

"We hope this revolutionary movement will inspire more Singaporeans to consider agricultural options under their own roofs," said Mr Seah.

Singaporeans can expect to find the Royal Regalian Lingzhi on the shelves just in time for the coming Chinese New Year.

Sungei Kadut pimps jailed, received BCA award

ENTERPRISING Sungei Kadut pimps who made news recently by using pockets along a railway corridor as their prostitution base were hit with a unexpected reversal of fortune last Saturday.

The CEO of the prostitution syndicate, Mr Oor Gwee Kong was investigated by the police after a tip off by an anonymous jogger named Bao Toh Kia, which resulted in Oor being charged and sentenced to 3 months in prison. 

However this did not stop them from being nominated for several categories in the annual Building & Construction Authority (BCA) awards, including the Creative Use of Office Space Award which Mr Oor eventually won.

BCA's spokeman told Condemn Nation News that while BCA does not condone illegal businesses, recognizing excellence has no boundaries. "This is meritocracy. Mr Oor was imprisoned for his crimes but he should be rightly awarded for his achievements as well," he said.

Mr Oor and his syndicate inmates eventually received their awards in prison.

Meanwhile, the Urban Redevelopment Authority (URA) has expressed interest in hiring Mr Oor and his team as their planning consultant after they served their term. In their statement posted on URA Facebook page last Saturday regarding this, "URA is proud to be a supporter of the Yellow Ribbon Project. At the same time, we also recognise talent and we will go all out to pay top dollars if we come across suitable talent to take our organisation to greater heights. Thus our decision (to hire Mr Oor) is the perfect marriage of our core values."

New startup offers streamlined crowdfunding service for opposition politicians, activists

18 May, Singapore - Young, entrepreneurial Singaporeans with a heart have done it again with the latest innovation in technology poised to fully utilize the Singapore government's efforts to encourage start ups by capitalizing on the General Election, which is expected to be held later in 2015 or early 2016.

FundMee&Yee, founded by two students from their NUS dorm room, 24 year old Pok Kai Loh and Ngerng Tng Kor (no relation to the other more famous Ngerng),  aims to streamline the process of crowdfunding for opposition politicians and social activists alike who will most likely have to go through the crowdfunding process when they get sued or fired from their jobs for misuse of company property etc.

The startup also aims to add value by managing media interviews and the rights of these people, who will go from previous unknowns to enjoying their 5 minutes of fame on both state controlled media and social media.

It is hoped that with the aid of FundMee&Yee, potential defendants are able to manage their public appearances to potentially secure a cult-following the way Serina Wee and Amos Yee has captured the hearts of lao tikos and fashionistas respectively.

The owners are tight lipped about their potential customers, but it is believed they are in negotiations with Amos Yee over the management of his media rights. Or we could have been trolled by Amos Yee.

Just to make you happy, here is an unrelated photos of Serina Wee:

Mediacorp to install railings for aging Jeanette Aw

STAGE crew officials of Mediacorp have today confirmed that railings will be installed on future Star Awards show to guarantee the repeat of Jeanette Aw's accident during Star Awards 2015 will be prevented.

Stage manager Humpty Ou told Condemn Nation News that the initiative was designed especially for Jeanette Aw, who won the Most Popular Artiste Ever Award among the string of awards last month.

"We are expecting Jeanette to walk away with awards again in the coming year. Therefore, 2.4km of hand-railings will be installed in time for the next award show."

Humpty confirmed that the specially designed handrails, which cost Mediacorp close to $2.3million, have already been ordered from The Golden Age, the most popular elder-care company in Singapore.

Mediacorp told CN that the money will be well spent because it ensures that our aging national treasure will be protected from further harm.

Singaporeans who turned up at Free Amos event left enraged

2000 Singaporeans turned up at the "Free Amos" event held at Hong Lim Park last Monday ended up red faced.

The event was held by supporters of Amos Yee urging the authorities to free Amos Yee in remand but had been misunderstood by about 2000 Singaporeans who turn up to queue for free Famous Amos cookies.

One attendee, Chin Gian Peng called up CN, "I am absolutely pissed off with this trickery by Amos Yee's supporters. I hope they will shove a cookie up his arse in jail!"

The organisers of the event was initially encouraged by a healthy turn out only to realise the blip when the crowd demanded for cookies. The Police was eventually called in to mediate the ugly spat between Amos Yee supporters and the freebies hunters.

Minister Amy Khor urged Singaporeans to pursue new careers at 50, promised exciting upgrades to jobs

Security jobs too mundane, cleaning jobs to unglamorous? Fear not! Many PIG careers" will go through incredible changes in the coming year.

In an career fair held at the Singapore Expo today, the Senior Minister of State for Manpower and Health Dr Amy Khor has called for elderly Singaporeans to embark on a new career at 50 years old because “it is common to see seniors living past 80 years old”

Dr Amy Khor promised exciting new changes to our current limited selection of jobs by launching a new programme called Pioneer Innovation Genre (PIG) Dr Khor explained, "Before we launched this initiative, we spent $2 million dollars and conducted an intensive survey to find out how we can bring the silver haired generation back to the workforce."

"A survey was carried out with one representative from common sunset careers such as security guard, taxi driver, cleaner, big sweep ticket vendor etc. We managed to arrive a a meaningful conclusion to our survey and strive to hit the hammer right on the nail. It was money well spent," beamed Dr Khor.

Security guard Mr Chin Suan Siao was one of the interviewees in the survey. Mr Chin shared with CN, "Eh, I told the chiobu that day uncle jin sian lah. Everyday carry walkie talkie jin bo seh. If they can give me gun better lah!"

The PIG committee will look closely into the feedback of the representative members of various sunset careers and make the necessary improvements. Citizens can expect the new initiative to be launched by 2016.

Singapore will not accept refugees, refers them to ICA instead

16 May, Singapore -

The Online Citizen, the next paper to get fixed, reports that the Ministry of Home Affairs (MHA) has expressed its stance on the Rohingya "boat people" issue that Singapore will not be accepting refugees or people seeking political asylum.

"As a small country with limited land, Singapore is not in a position to accept any persons seeking political asylum or refugee status, regardless of their ethnicity or place of origin,"said an MHA spokesperson, in response to queries from local news channel, Channel NewsAsia.

- The Online Citizen, 16 May. 

Our immigration analyst and expert on everything because he is from an Angmoh country, Mr. Peter Angmohman, encourages the refugees to get unaccredited degrees from Southern Pacific University before trying again, and applying to the ICA and IDA instead as they will be evaluated on their previous experience and not their political asylum or refugee status.

"There are actually many options for them but it seems they have received very bad legal advice," Angmohman said. "In fact, there is probably a road show going to their home town next month to try to recruit university students for scholarships because we all know young Singaporeans have no interest in going to university. If they had waited another month they would have been at freshman orientation games motorboating some young girls rather than trying to come here on a boat."

Singapore lifts restrictions on political participation

Singapore, 16 May - In what is being seen as a step by the government of previously politically conservative Singapore to loosening the reins by freeing up political participation and encouraging critical thinking and alternative opinions since the death of founding father Lee Kuan Yew, Singapore has not prosecuted any social activists or people with an opposing view for "misusing resources to pursue personal and non-job-related interests" in recent months.

Analysts say this could be because most of the people have already been fired or sued, and those who haven't are already overseas, Additionally, spokesman Zhou Gou notes that praising the government or joining the PAP youth wing, or foreigners working in the government who blog and criticize Singaporeans and praise the PAP, is technically not considered misusing resources to pursue personal and non-job related interests.

Zhou Gou also notes that alleged defamation is incompatible with values of the government even though the court has not made a ruling, because being alleged is like, as serious as actually being proven to having done it.

The next general election is widely expected to be held later this year in 2015, or early in 2016. Most opposition politicians are already expecting a defamation suit or some charges of misusing government property etc, unfortunately, the ruling party has had to be creative in recent years because most of the opposition politicians or vocal bloggers with an opposing view have either already been fired or not been stupid enough to work for the government in the first place.

Hawkers upmarket themselves to adapt to changing demands

Singapore, 15 May - Amid increasing rents, low prices, long hours and strawberry generation workers who don't want to take a 12 hour a day job paying $1200 a month when they can go to university and get a 8 hour a day job with the civil service paying $4000 a month to surf Facebook and write blogs, hawkers are reinventing themselves as the face, and the cuisine of Singapore changes and morphs together with the cosmopolitan demographic make-up of the city.

Latest ideas by hawkers are to give their food French names and charge higher prices to fit the local, connoisseur market of increasingly demanding and educated Singaporeans who want to know what is in their food. Chicken rice stall seller, Kway Peng, recently paid $10,000 to a consultant to rebrand his stall. He now calls his stall "Alley Chicks" and strategically places a one-speed classic hipster bicycle at the storefront. His main dish is the "Boiled organic chicken with natural cucumber and cous cous with braised soy sauce and sauteed kale and organic Thailand sourced rice".

"Oh my gawd," self-professed food fanatic, Jin Sua Ku, cooed as she sipped from her Starbucks cup. "the meat is succulent and tender, and the natural cucumber just adds the right touch to the sweetness of the rice - all for only $16.80!"

On the other end of the scale, some hawkers are targeting Angmoh tourists by deliberately dirtying their stalls and setting deliberately low hygiene standards to give Angmoh tourists a unique, exotic taste of Asia, serving them dishes like pork intestine soup which they think are really gross but were actually eaten by their poorer European ancestors back in the 1800s.

"I just love Asia, you know? Its an experience we'll never get back home! I love Asian culture!" Miss Jessica Tourista from the UK said. "When I get back to the UK, I'll tell everybody about how I integrated with the Asian culture because I had one mouthful of soup from a dirty roadside stall! What's this place called? Yeah, Marina Bay Sands food court."

John Bogan, from Australia, agrees. "Yeah mate, nothing's as good as tasting the original street food even though I eat at Asian restaurants in Australia all the time. Where are the Singapore noodles?"

PM Lee to release source code for detecting HDB defects

Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's generous sharing of his Sudoku solver source code received a thunderous worldwide acclamation. 

A Russian tourist, Adkat Bolaski told CN, "I wish my Prime Minister is so smart and refined like Mr Lee. Our PM is only interested in puttin' bears down."

Meanwhile PM Lee's inspirational feat continues to send a wind of change over the Sudoku community. 

"I used to struggle to finish a puzzle within a bus ride," Sudoku addict, Li Bo Nao revealed. "With PM's solver, I can solve 5 puzzles before my bus reaches my destination. I really enjoy filling up the pages with the solutions provided by PM's genius," she beamed with pride.

A statement was released by the PMO at noon about Prime Minister Lee's current exciting project - a source code for detecting HDB defects to combat the exponential increase of cases in recent years. The most recent defect reported was the bursting of a sewerage pipe of a new BTO HDB flat, causing the owners to leave home for a few days. (pictured left)

"This revolutionary source code will serve Singaporeans to an unprecedented level. A team of experts will be roped in to assist the Prime Minister for timely completion with our SG50 celebrations this year," conclude the statement.

PM Lee's Sudoku's source code riled gaming enthusiasts

Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's sharing of his Sudoku solver source code has caused unhappiness among the members of the Minesweeper Youth Club, Singapore (MYCS). Last Thursday, club President, Mr Teo Bong Park released an open letter to criticise PM Lee's "open support" for their rivals at the Singapore Sudoku Society (SSS)

"I had high regards for PM Lee until that," said Mr Teo in an interview. "However, an open endorsement of our key competitor is the last straw. This is war!" he declared.

Before PM Lee's source code release, MYCS and SSS were neck to neck in the gaming market capacity, at 49.5% each. The last 1% is held by the Diablo2.SG. Last week MYCS's market capacity dived by a whopping 17.5% within just 5 days of PM Lee's online sharing, with defectors declaring that it is now "cooler to play Sudoku."

"We are extremely disappointed with PM Lee. This is going to turn ugly soon." warned a dejected member of the MYCS.

At press time, the Prime Minister's Office (PMO) was unable to comment on the possibility of PM Lee producing a source code for a Minesweeper solver to simmer the high tension between the MYCS and SSS.

New department to be created to answer unaccredited degree queries

Singapore, 15 May - Following a Minister's completely and totally logical explanation that unaccredited degrees are okay as candidates for employment should still be judged on their previous work experience and whether they thought it was a genuine bona-fide degree when they attended the university consisting of a small room in a shophouse in Chinatown, interest in unaccredited degrees has risen dramatically.

Being a public service that is responsive to the needs of citizens, a new department to deal with queries on unaccredited degrees has been set up and it will be called the UDC (Unaccredited Degree Centre). It is believed the centre will be staffed by moderators previously made redundant when Ministers blocked all the people who were commenting on their Facebook pages, and there were no more comments to delete.

A task force will also be set up to investigate the viability of a national unaccredited school. "Since the government is promoting degree mills, we should at least have control of the standards of degrees, especially the paper they are printed on." said a government spokesperson. It is believed the degree mill will be set up in an industrial area near the airport or the immigration department to integrate operations and achieve operational efficiencies. "We have big hopes for these degree centres, as they will probably overtake SIM and Australian universities in prestige in Singapore in no time, and will spur people to get better work experience as they are more strictly evaluated on their work experience if they have an unaccredited degree."

Rosy outlook for fresh grads: Starting pay up to $10,000 a month

Singapore, May 15 - The outlook for graduates in Singapore could never be stronger, says the Edukesyen Ministry. Of a graduating cohort of about 20,000 from unsubstantiated figures, the ever-reliable news can report that at least one graduate managed to get a starting salary of $10,000 working in an investment bank where his father happened to be the president.

The roaring success of the cohort means the Edukesyen Ministry is doing well to create opportunities for graduates, says graduate Ba Ba Black Sheep. "Because of these statistics, even though I have been unable to find a job for 6 months since graduation, I am extremely encouraged that there is a bouyant job market."

This obviously means that if you aren't one of them, it is your own fault and every one who graduates should expect to be blindingly successful so your parents have topics to talk about every Chinese New Year.

However, the popular HardwareZone forum still reports a spike in posts every Chinese New Year, believed to be by people hiding in their rooms from their nosy relatives trying to ask about how well they are doing compared to their kids.