A review of more things you can't afford: New 2015 Toyota Alphard

29 Jun, Singapore - The new Toyota Alphard, a luxurious 7 seater as reviewed by our credible counterparts at Yahoo Singapore,  is the latest must-have for the wide, open roads of Singapore (they will be wide open once the COEs of most peasant Singaporeans expire).

At only $229,000 with COE, it is only about half the price of an average HDB flat (in Punggol, not a mature estate) which the average Singaporean will take about 20 to 30 years to pay off. Its utility and large size is suitable for the average Singaporean couple who has 7 mouths to feed, as they can dream of driving it around since, you know, the average Singaporean couple will be able to afford this car easily while supporting 7 people.

As a car, it handles like a big, boxy car would. I wouldn't know, because I don't have $230,000 to spare but I have driven a rental car while on holiday in Australia, so I can suggest you don't try cornering at South Bouna Vista Road in this car and instead, drive at 80km/h in the right lane while watching Korean movies on the TV screen.

Its deliberate, hearse-shaped box design is a deliberate stroke of genius by designers in making it so ugly it is a fashion and status statement so people know you can pay $230,000 for something that looks like a piece of shit, and tell anyone (like this writer) who says so that they are just jealous.

From Yahoo:
NEED TO KNOW Toyota Alphard Elegance
Engine 2,494cc, 16V, in-line 4
Power 179hp at 6000rpm
Torque 235Nm at 4100rpm
Gearbox One of those gear sticks. Who really cares? 
Top Speed 170km/h 
0-100km/h Will get you to the nearest backside of the next car on the CTE in, dunno, a coupla seconds 
Fuel efficiency if you can pay $230,000 for a car, you don't really give a shit about petrol do you? Otherwise, just go to JB 
Price $229,888 with COE
Available Now 

MDA to consider becoming marketing agency

The soon to be known as, Marketing Dud-films Agency

25 Jun, Singapore - Following yet another resoundingly successful publicity campaign in making otherwise obscure, unknown literature, films and other forms of media critical of the gahmen strikingly famous and sell out, the MDA (Media Development Authority) is reportedly considering, as part of Singapore's push to make government bodies more like private sector corporations (and pay their ministers like private sector CEOs, of course), privatizing and rebranding itself as a marketing agency called the Marketing Dud-films Agency and listing on the SGX.

Its latest success in making some comic criticizing the gahmen nobody else would have ever read or heard of, coupled with interest in Jolin Tsai's otherwise bland sounding techno song you wouldn't be able to differentiate blasting at a kopitiam (as covered by this reputable publication), and the banning of a film that made young Singaporeans find out about exiles they wouldn't have otherwise heard about, has convinced decision-makers in the gahmen that the rebranding and privatization will be a runaway success.

The business model of the new agency is expected to be from earning revenues by charging commissions and royalties from bookshops and cinemas that Singaporeans often flock to get their fix of banned media in Johor Baru.  An unnamed source was also quoted as saying that Barbara Streisand is in the running to be on the board of directors to contribute her marketing and publicity expertise.  

Man says yes to everything, walks down Tanjong Pagar MRT and ends up with 22 insurance policies and 30 credit cards

23 Jun, Singapore - After watching a rerun of the 2008 Jim Carrey movie "Yes Man", 27 year old hipster Cordeliusamos Tan, a full-time hipster, decided to change the world and say Yes to everything. "The world needs more love," he said. "I thought, why not be different even though some guy thought of it 7 years ago? I might change my life by saying yes."

Cordeliusamos is richer for the experience, especially after a 2 hour jaunt down to Tanjong Pagar MRT to meet some other hipster for some new shitty idea / project they have. After saying yes to everyone who approached him, he now has 22 insurance policies, 30 credit cards, bought about 10 pens where 10% goes to charity, and has been headhunted by 4 MLM firms who promise to make him the next big thing.

As for his new project? "Dunno, who needs a new project now when you have 30 fucking credit cards?"

Woman knows everything about London after going there once with Chan Brothers, set to become next tourism ambassador

23 Jun, Singapore - 52 year old Singaporean woman Zhen Lihai knows a lot, but there is no doubting her in-depth knowledge built over days of experience of the sights and sounds a tourist should experience in the UK city of London, having been there once for a total of 3 days on a tour with Chan Brothers.

"Wah, I tell you ah, in London, you must go to Times Square and Big Ben! And Harrods! Then you must try their tea and scones. Then, you must try their marmite! Very good!!!" she says. "I really enjoyed my trip to. All my friends children got go and study one, their university also VERY beautiful you know?"

Zhen demonstrates this knowledge to every relative and friend she meets, telling them about the diversity of experience that can only have come from following a guided tour in Mandarin for 3 days. And it is paying off, with the City of London reportedly offering her a position as an ambassador to the people of Singapore.

She feels her role will be especially useful to students who couldn't get into local universities and choose to study in the UK instead. "Yah, my son ah, he study at the UNIVERSITY OF SICKNEY you know? Har? Sickney not in UK ah? Aiyah, all the same lah, all also angmoh country."

Beer promoter's side of the story

23 Jun, Singapore - Following not-so-recent now news, but still quite recent considering our staff writer has been on a holiday that she will brag about on Facebook soon otherwise the holiday doesn't count, that beer promoters will not be allowed to work at the hawker centres and markets managed by gahmen, our exclusive story today interviews and covers the touching love story of a beer promoter who continues hanging out at the market she used to work at so she could spend time with the love of her life.

Hu Li Jing, 28, originally from a civilization superior to the one in Singapore with over 5,000 years of history, tells her story. "Actually, I is met the love of my life here," she says, as she looks longingly at her partner, Lao Chee Ko, 68, as she bends over to pick up some coins on the table as he sips his beer. "I was attracted to his charm and wit, and the dashing good looks he must have had 40 years ago. Every time he tells me his life story, I feel so much wiser and interested to listen," she says.

Lao Chee Ko agrees. "Wah, last time, in my days as a army regular, I had so many experiences, I can't finish telling them all. My children and youngsters nowadays just say yah whatever grandpa and walk off when I tell them my exaggerated army stories. I guess my stories must have enchanted her and it must have nothing to do with the $500,000 I have in my CPF or the tips I give with the beer. This is true love at its finest!"

We congratulate the happy couple and wish them everlasting love (since it is highly likely Lao Chee Ko might not even be able to withdraw his CPF anyway).

New "I have money please be nice to me" merchandise a hit with public

3 Jun, Singapore - The young entrepreneurial Singaporean has done it again. This time, Mr Hui Kan Ren, a 24 year old student in Marketing and Entrepreneurial Studies or something from the prestigious University of London Clementi campus, has Singaporeans from all walks of life swooning and having waiting lists to snap up his latest line of themed merchandise.

Mr Hui explains how he came upon the idea. "I mean, I have money, I stay condo and drive a Kia leh," pointing out that a brand new Kia Rio costs $103,000, which is about 30 times the median Singapore monthly salary. "I just enjoy dressing like a pauper in  because its so bloody hot, and like, I don't have to work right. But everytime I go to my condo, or to office building to pick up my OL (office lady) girlfriend, security guards and receptionists are always very condescending and rude to me until they see my satki car or find out that I have money."

To solve this problem, Mr Hui came up with the innovative solution of selling t-shirts that say, "I have money please be nice to me", along with other merchandise like poser laptop bags and files that really have nothing inside but look really professional with the same text. He says that since he started wearing the t-shirts, security guards have stopped yelling at him and speak really nicely to him now.

"I think this is also a good social cause, for the poor people who have to endure the indignity of being shouted at even though they have money," Mr Hui said, obviously referring to the fact that if you have no money you should be shouted at condescendingly.

Reports were that Mr Hui's line of merchandise sold out on opening day, with people standing outside his boutique shop demanding they should get first in line because they have more money than the person in front.